Why am I still awake, again?

I have a dentist appt in the morning. Followed by gown-shopping with Mom and sister, then a rehearsal at night for next week's concert. My voice is already shot by this stupid cough. I have to be up in 4 hours, but I'm still here.

I'm unhappy with where I'm at. I want to be so many things, sometimes it's hard to remind myself to slow down. Other times I get so depressed that I feel as though I've never done anything that's worthy of being seen, much less praised, and I never will, so why bother trying? I know that's not true, though. I know it's just a stupid chemical imbalance in my brain, but that doesn't always lift me out of my funk. I've wanted to be many things since I was young; marine biologist, news journalist, ballerina, supermodel, famous cellist, trophy wife, and famous opera singer. That's where I'm at now, and I don't expect to change my mind anytime soon.


When I sing (when I'm not judging myself), I feel this amazing rush of emotions. I'm so many things all at once; madonna, whore, mother, maid, unloved, unseen, admired, loved, and reviled. Sometimes when I sing, certain pieces make me want to weep at the sheer beauty. But it's hard for me to let that show. That's one of the biggest problems I have, one of the most frequent complaints from people watching. I can't let go, so I keep everything in. I stand like a wooden block and open my mouth. It's so frustrating, knowing what my problem is but continually repeating it. Part of the reason I do repeat it is that I'm not ready. I procrastinate, I don't practice enough, I don't give it enough dramatic background in my head, so when I have to sing it in public, I over-analyze instead of emoting.  But I want to do better. I don't want to be a stand-and-sing-er. I want to be amazing.